Blurt It Out!!

Yesterday walk hurt my ankle a bit. but i still went for another walk this morning. taking it much slower than my usual pace.

so today i walked passing the new area, worldcity before queensbay up until queensbay. the weather wasn’t so hot either so the walk was very pleasant. i had a good time.

so i started cooking lunch after that. my mil said danish want beef rendang so there i am, slicing the beef which took up lots of time. in the end, danish doesn’t even eat it coz he keeps on eating karipap, ramen and some other kuih.

am i disappointed? yes!

but life goes on. he will bring it to school tomorrow to eat during his break.

so it’s exam season now and i started doing revision with danish. but it was so hard. we keep on arguing. oh why cannot he just agree with me? why does he have to argue on so many things with me? it gave me such a bad headache. then i felt like a very bad mom.

so geram!!!!

I went out for a walk this morning. a 1.5 hours walk from armenian street to padang kota, then up to first avenue before going back to armenian street. i was thinking of walking for much longer but the weather was so hot.

i love this walks. i don’t think much during walking as i’m always more interested in my surroundings. especially the old buildings. and i’m always curious with people who live right in the middle of tourist area. isn’t it too crowded? oh well.

so one of my resolutions for this year is to exercise daily. at least a 30 minutes exercise and of course longer over the weekend.

and i hope to cook for my lunches at the office instead of ordering in. tonight i cook ayam sambal hijau and tom yam for tonight’s dinner and tomorrow’s lunch.

i should plan a weekly menu as i always unsure what to cook for the next day.

i saw a friend ig story just now, having lunch at muhibbah sg penchala, and i randomly muttered, lama kita tak makan kat situ sayang.

i miss talking to u, sharing random things. sigh.

it’s almost a year since u gone but it still feels like very recently. not a day passes by without me thinking of you.

there’s always tears randomly formed especially when i’m alone.

i miss you sayang , a lot.

Bila fikir balik fasa kehidupan yg aku lalui, tak sangka ni hidup aku di umur 40.

Widowed, single mother, raising a teen phase son.

Everyday penat fikir pasal duit, pasal perangai danish, pasal masa depan danish. am i doing it correctly? just breathe, just cry when needed.

rindu dia, sungguh. lebih byk rindu dia sbg teman sembang. bila byk benda nak cakap, nak cerita, tak tau nak cerita pada siapa. i miss him the most at that point. sometimes i imagine what he would say, and i smiled. tears would come later.

tu pasal aku fikir byk kali pasal nak tulis semula. but writing does help. cuma penat nangis bila start rindu. i always try to avoid it by just watching netflix.

the silence at night when lights been turned off is horrible too. my chest aches and tears would flow. sometimes i tried to push it out but most of the times i just cry so hard until i falls asleep.

this is how my 40s started. i wonder how much longer will i live. life is just so short.

15/8/22
12.56pm

Sayang, awak hembuskan nafas terakhir and left us.

Danish cried so hard. Bangun daddy, daddy promised daddy takkan tinggalkan danish.

i think he was like that for 20-30 mins. hakim, mak n dayah tried comforting him, baca ayat quran semua.

saya duduk je tepi syg, sentuh muka syg. syg dh x sakit.

Sy terjaga kul 2 pagi, nurse gerak bgtau yg syg tarik jarum chemoport. tp syg continue tidur dn jaga. syg dh x larat nk bangun wpon x selesa sandar. syg dh xde tenaga. kesian syg.

sy urut2 syg. then syg tido lama. sy mcm lega sbb kesian syg lama x tido. mesti penat.

then dlm kul 6 pagi, syg batuk2 tp x boleh nk keluar. dgn bunyi mcm tersekat. sy panggil nurse.

diorg buat suction utk keluarkan phlegm syg. selama semua org dok nangis depan syg, syg xde pon keluar air mata. tp bila diorg buat suction ni, sebab sakit sgt, air mata syg mengalir.

sedih gile sy. kalau sy tau sakit sampai mcm tu, sy x bg diorg buat. rupanya ubat smlm stuck kt throat sbb tu syg x bley nafas sgt.

tapi lps habis suction, syg terus tido dan tak respon. sy panggil syg byk kali pon dh xde respon.

pukul 7 camtu sy call hakim suruh dtg. oksigen level syg pon 80 lebih je masa tu. sy call azureen.

abg n hakim dtg. danish dtg. abg terry dtg. abah pon dtg. lps tu hakim bawak danish balik homestay jap.

syg still xde respon. ramai yg dtg doakan syg. kepala syg berpeluh, tapi kaki syg sejuk. sy dok lap bhgn kepala dan dahi syg dgn tuala sbb byk sgt peluh.

dlm 11 lebih oxygen syg makin drop. kaki syg sejuk sgt. peluh yg byk2 sebelum ni kat kepala n dahi terus kering. dh xde peluh.

pastu mak n azureen dtg. semua ajar syg ckp Allah dan mengucap. there’s no response at all from u. i know ur time has comes.

last sekali danish dtg. danish bisik kt syg utk ckp Allah dan syg hembuskan nafas terakhir, tinggalkan kami. syg tunggu danish rupanya.

danish meraung, sy menangis, semua menangis. syg dah tak sakit. sedih tgk syg sakit selama ni. sedih sy x dpt buat apa2 utk hilangkan sakit syg.

syg dah takde.

14/8/22 Ahad

Sayang x boleh tido jugak smlm. jd restless. doktor increase the morphine. sy tgk syg nk cuba tido tp bila sandar je, oxygen drop. jd sy mintak diorg tukar oxygen mask yg lg tinggi. oxygen syg 15 max skrg.

ramai org dtg hari ni. doakan syg. syg more restless, kejap sandar, kejap duduk. pastu sbb morfin tu, syg mcm illusion. syg asyik nak solat. syg angkat tgn n solat.

sy harap Allah terima amalan syg, hapuskan dosa2 syg. betapa di hujung nyawa syg, syg teringat pasal solat dan Allah.

mlm tu mak inform mak positive. bapak dh positif tgh hari tu so semua x boleh dtg. kesian diorg.

mlm tu lps ubat, syg mintak phone. kesian syg, nk bukak phone pun ssh. syg tlg bukak kan. syg bukak fb, tgk score bola. pastu aunty normah n abg shahrir dtg. syg terus jd restless balik.
tp lps tu syg start tido sikit. sy pun tido jap.

12/8/22 Jumaat

U seems better today. i thought maybe the chemo works.
u sleep well too tapi masih sakit2 badan. syg start solat semua.

13/8/22 Sabtu
Sayang x boleh tido langsung last night. urut semua pun x jadi. so doktor bagi xanax ubat penenang tp doesn’t seems to work. the doktor start bg morfin. kaki syg makin sakit.
kesian syg kaki x boleh bagi straight sbb katil pendek. huhuhu.

dr amir suruh sy sign surat yg ckp kalau jd apa2, xde cpr, x masuk icu. sebab nanti syg lg sakit.

sy sign sbb kalau x sign, diorg kena pindahkn syg ke hdu dn sy x boleh jaga syg. sy x nak. sy nk dok sebelah syg , jaga syg all the time.

again, doktor goh ckp syg mungkin tahan lg 24/48 jam je.

kami semua pakat nangis, minta maaf kt syg. danish pun nangis2 semua.

mak sy dtg dn baca doa dn quran utk syg. few times syg mcm tarik nafas, n we thought the times has come. semua ajar syg mengucap.

sy x mkn whole day sbb x lalu. alhamdulillah ptg sikit mak suruh bg syg kurma lembik dgn air zam2. syg pon lapar, byk syg mkn. pastu dinner ada lamb stew, ur favourite. byk sudu gak syg mkn.

we r happy to see this. syg gonna be ok.

11/8/22 Khamis

U seems better after the chemo yesterday. another chemo today.

But ur blood test doesn’t look good.
ur cea shoot up from 29 on tuesday to 189 today. i felt bad.

dr amir think there’s no hope left. the cancer too aggressive and it’s attacking ur lung.

dr Goh asked me to think abt icu. i couldn’t think. i cried.

u asked me why. i told u abt ur cea, what the doctor said.

u said, memang doktor cakap tak boleh buat apa dah ke. saya cakap haah, sbb kanser tu aggressive sgt.

then syg kata, sampai sini je la rezeki kita.

sy nangis teruk, syg diam je. syg mcm dh redha.

sy call mak, nangis2. call mak sy, abah semua, sy nangis.

semua org pakat dtg. azureen awin semua balik. aunty semua.

10/8/22 Rabu

Lab test utk bakteria for ur lung infection showed there’s only 1 bacteria. doctor was a bit confused coz with all the antibiotics, it should have reduced the infection.

Doc suspected ur cancer becomes active again.

Dr Amir did chemo for u today and another one tomorrow.